Looking for feed back on this one. Know that it is part of a five poem (I guess you would call it series?) series. This is nume one as marked by the roman numeral. I have only begun on one other. What I need to know the most is, do parts of these sound two cryptic? And all three are part of the Fetility aspect, they are not "sepearate" poems. As "me" called it, I guess this would be called a "Trioletriptych".


The Mother: Fertility ( I )



The Conceived

Life conceived on liquid shores
Rose beyond the ocean’s face
A family tree divided more
Life conceived on liquid shores
Spawned every race the world has bore
Some share less exquisite grace
Life conceived on liquid shores
Rose beyond the ocean’s face

The Children

One race began to walk upright
The world had given birth to man
Intelligence grew in the night
One race began to walk upright
The Liquid Seed had spawned delight
He took it everywhere he ran
One race began to walk upright
The world had given birth to man

The Cleansing

Man had found his power great
Yet Hers remained as absolute
When often he became irate
Man had found his power great
Swiftly She would wipe his slate
By a tempest formed from liquid roots
Man had found his power great
Yet Hers remained as absolute.

There has been an update. And edit suggested to me by members at quoteland sparked some ideas from me, and I have applied changes to one of the triolets in this poem. The edited version is posted below. Any future suggestions I highly anticipate and thank anyone who replies in advance. Building community, one reply at a time.

The Mother: Fertility ( I )



The Conceived

Life conceived on liquid shores
Rose beyond the ocean’s face
A family tree divided more
Life conceived on liquid shores
Spawned every race the world has bore
Some share less exquisite grace
Life conceived on liquid shores
Rose beyond the ocean’s face

The Children

One race began to walk upright
The world had given birth to man
Intelligence grew in the night
One race began to walk upright
The Liquid Seed had spawned delight
He took it everywhere he ran
One race began to walk upright
The world had given birth to man

The Cleansing

Man had found his power great
Yet Mother Nature’s reigned supreme
When often he became irate
Man had found his power great
Swiftly she would wipe his slate
A hurricane from every stream
Man had found his power great
Yet Mother Nature’s reigned supreme

Ok, this is the final revision I will pursue (by myself, but I hope to have feedback from some of you to determine the actual nature of this poem).

I look forward to your replies and I appreciate them a great deal.

The Mother: Fertility ( I )



The Conceived

Life conceived by water’s grace
Spread across the Earth
Rising past the ocean’s face
Life conceived by water’s grace
Found itself in land’s embrace
So many that this world has birthed
Life conceived by water’s grace
Spread across the Earth

The Children

One race began to walk upright
The world had given birth to man
Intelligence grew in the night
One race began to walk upright
His water thirst was never light
He took it everywhere he ran
One race began to walk upright
The world had given birth to man

The Cleansing

Man had found his power great
Yet Mother Nature’s reigned supreme
When often he became irate
Man had found his power great
Swiftly she would wipe his slate
A hurricane from every stream
Man had found his power great
Yet Mother Nature’s reigned supreme

I love the first two parts of this one and would not touch them. The third just seems "wrong" but I am not sure why. I know that the line "When often he became irate"does not seem to fit to me. But, I am not sure just what I would replace it with.

How does,

"When he would fill himself with hate"

As a replacement to that line? And thank you Me, I was beginning to think this would forever go undisturbed.

Thanks again and let me know how that fits with you. I am well aware of your abilities and look forward to learning more from your opinion (most of the time when I speak such as this, I mean it in the ut-most truthful way, I rarely kiss up to anyone (unless jokingly of course))

HAVE A NICE DAY!

~Serc

I do not even know how to word what it is I find "wrong" about that line. It seems it almost infers nature "reacts" to man's being irate / or full of hate. Maybe it is just the way I read it. Sorry LOL...I am just not able to put in words what it is that seems out of place to me.

How does this sound?

Man had found his power great
Yet Mother Nature’s reigned supreme
Challenged by an unknown fate
Man had found his power great
Swiftly she would wipe his slate
A hurricane from every stream
Man had found his power great
Yet Mother Nature’s reigned supreme



Powerful words Serc! And true to your style of writing.

Ok, first I should clarify what my goal for the words to say actually is. The last stanza is to demonstrate mother natures power when man gets out of hand (destroying himself, others, and the planet in general).

Pam, I loved the line you made, but cannot really use it, as it strays even farther from my goal then the others.

Sorry all, I should have stated that to begin with, any further comments and or putting up with me would be greatly appreciated as well and I look forward to remarks.

HAVE A NICE DAY!

~Serc

Makes more sense with the explanation. I was
trying to come up with something using the
word "desecrate" for the rhyme...but nothing
really worked. Still a good work..I like it,
especially the opening triolet.