Hi everyone.

I wanted to submit a piece I have been working on for quite some time now…actually it was a poem I was trying to complete for Natalie’s “wedding” as a gift to her from yours truly…and of course time being time and so many things to do I just ran out, the wedding past and I was left with an unfinished poem. I still intend on giving it to her, albeit late, but nevertheless something I still want to do.

I entitled the poem “Little Butterfly,” a kind of moniker she has always had ever since time began. As she grew older, the “little” was dropped and now most people just call her Butterfly. However, dads being dads…plus the fact that I’m pretty pigheaded once I get attached to a certain name, therefore I decided to leave the “little in the title. This is probably a load of useless information, and so I shall say no more…except to declare an enormous thank you to my good friend FB for her valuable input and suggestions for the poem below. Without you I would have ignorantly rushed ahead with my first draft and consequently donned a few dozen eggs in my whiskers…laugh if you will. I can’t thank you enough FB…you really pulled through with some great ideas.

Finally, I decided to present the poem here in the curing pit for some final critiquing. Because this is intended as a gift…hopefully one my daughter will treasure for years to come, I just wanted to make sure it was the best I could do…and I can think of no other people I trust more than the gang here at WD. So I leave it in your capable hands and await any further suggestions. I plan on giving it to her at the end of November on her birthday.

Thanks to everyone in advance.

“ Lionheart
~

Little Butterfly

Watching thee o'er the years
Unfolding thy wings to dry
Clinging to the highest branch
And reaching toward the sky

Despite the strongest of winds
The sun has finished its toil
Behold the beautiful wings
Of Nature's artwork royal

Flutter on graceful breezes
In the dazzling bright sun
Rest upon a blossom fresh
Tho' thy flight has just begun

This countryside of ours
O' land of trees and flowers
Hither, rest thy weary wings
In sweet midsummer showers

Travel oft to this haven
And alight upon strong limbs
We shall chat of playful days
And humorous childhood whims

Giving rise to flight again
Far off from the milkweed fair
Remember home, and return
Blissful maiden of the air

Despite the strongest of winds
The sun has finished its toil
Behold [thy] beautiful wings
Of Nature's artwork royal

Flutter on graceful breezes
[a-midst] dazzling bright sun
Rest upon a blossom fresh
Tho' thy flight has just begun

These are the only two things that I would change if it were mind, but it’s beautiful as-is.
You old softy.

First of all, you are very welcome, Lion. It was my very great pleasure to be of some small help...besides, with a poem entitled "Little Butterfly", this flutterbug/lost butterfly was in her realm!

Secondly, I think I will have to disagree with Jack's word "amidst" because the sun is singular...only one sun...so I don't think you can be "amidst" it...anyone else want to chime in with an opinion on that?

Also, on reading it again, I don't think "thy" is appropriate there either (sorry, Jack!)because she isn't beholding her own wings...I think it's more a statement to those around her seeing her unfold into the butterfly...so it would be correct to say "the wings"...here, too, anyone else please feel free to jump in and challenge me on it.

Again, it was with the utmost of pleasure and enjoyment that I was in some small way able to assist you, Lion, in getting this one polished and ready for presenting. Pre-wedding stress and tension was NOT the perfect milieu for you to write in...waiting till now was definitely the way to go! ~~fb/LB

Lion,
This is absolutely beautiful - what a wonderful gift to your daughter!
~Colly

Hey my Leohearted friend I’d been thinking of you!
I like your "load of useless information", what is possibly as beautiful as a gushing father? Probably a smiling daughter, as I am sure your daughter would be on reading this!
Thanks for trusting us with this… I’ll do my humble bit, and I’ll wish you luck honing your gift. And hey so her sunsign is Sagittarius?

First, let me say, this is dazzling, touching and one of my faves from you, in fact one of the faves among my works on this site!

Aren’t you giving us a challenge, critiquing THIS! You didn’t even leave a wee typo, that would have given me something to say . Still, let me read a million times and see if I come up with something.

No nits as such (whoa , I usually come up with something... ), just a couple of quickies to make it sound better?:
Line 4 stanza one,
And reaching toward the sky
-somehow the internal rhyme in line 2 of same stanza made me wish this had one too.
"Reaching high toward the sky"?
Or something else, keeping your seven-beat catalexis.

And humorous childhood whims
A personal preference, I'd have replaced "humorous" with something more dreamy and instantly-joyous, "fanciful" maybe...
"And fanciful chidhood whims"

flutterbug, I also thought of you while reading the title of this my dear Butterfly , then Lion's headnote brought home that he had mentioned Natalie's nickname previously .
"Amidst", ah I have pondered its usage while writing something myself previously. I think Momule's fine suggestion of 'amidst' might have worked well had your object been sunshine ("amidst sunshine"), however "amidst sun" seems somewhat odd, as you're not in the sun , same with your "in the" even though it is common and thus accepted. How about "beneath dazzling bright sun", I have preferred 'beneath' in my works.
flutter, got your point, however thy/your can be used even if others are beholding (say, I behold your face, etc. ).
The/Thy both work for me here.

Take or leave...your work your life your daughter your choice .
And let us know of Natalie's reaction when she reads it!! Yoohooiippppee!!!

Edit, PS Forgot to add on my siggy! Would insert it now...

----
"My mother and father desired a child and they begot me.
And I wanted a mother and a father and I begot night and the sea."
-Kahlil Gibran, "Sand and foam"

"faves among my* works on this site!"
-*THE works, this isn't my work... typo

I want to thank everyone for their eternal patience…it seems whenever I post something I suddenly become so busy I have little time to respond in a reasonable amount of time. My apologies to everyone.

I thank one and all for their valuable suggestions. Each of you has left me with much to think about. I have made a few changes based of some of the suggestions and have changed some of my own words to hopefully suit the phrases.
LWAS…I liked a couple of your thoughts. I changed “In the” to “beneath” in the third stanza, and decided to leave the rest of the verse as is. It sounded just a little more complete to me than changing sun to sunshine. And in the fifth stanza, instead of “humorous” I used fanciful…a much better word I thought, but I didn’t like my word “playful” in the line before it and how it played with “fanciful” (playful/fanciful) too many “…fulls” so I changed “playful” to “fun filled.” To my ear I thought it sounded ok. Thanks a million for your help.
MoMule, FB, & Colly…thanks so much for everything, taking time to comment and make suggestions…I really appreciate you guys. And of course FB, thank you for all your help prior to this posting.

Below is what I hope to be the final draft…however nothing is cast in stone just yet!

Thanks again to everyone.

“ Lionheart
~

Little Butterfly

Watching thee o'er the years
Unfolding thy wings to dry
Clinging to the highest branch
And reaching toward the sky

Despite the strongest of winds
The sun has finished its toil
Behold the beautiful wings
Of Nature's artwork royal

Flutter on graceful breezes
Beneath the dazzling sun
Rest upon a blossom fresh
Tho' thy flight has just begun

This countryside of ours
O' land of trees and flowers
Hither, rest thy weary wings
In sweet midsummer showers

Travel oft to this haven
And alight upon strong limbs
We shall chat of fun filled days
And fanciful childhood whims

Giving rise to flight again
Far off from the milkweed fair
Remember home, and return
Blissful maiden of the air

Suits just fine!

I think you've just about got it! LB told flutter to tell you that fun filled should be one word:

We shall chat of fun filled days

We shall chat of funfilled days

And with that, my friend, I'd say this is pretty much perfection and "gift-ready"!

Wonderful job and a wonderful gift for a wonderful daughter from her wonderful Dad!

I just put a tooth pick in, and pulled it out clean!

This one's finished, and the aroma is exquisite!

I bet this brought tears to your daughter's eyes. I know it would have made me cry!

Nicely done, my friend!

Lionheart,

Having been the cow's tail of late has been a bit of a benefit. Everyone else has done the hard work and I just get to enjoy it, offer up the praise it so richly deserves, and marvel at your sensitivity. I think that with the excitement of the wedding, propinquity intervened and prevented you from finishing this lovely masterpiece to and about your daughter. I think that now that life has settled down a bit, she can truly enjoy it to its fullest.

I toast thee with a mudslide, Sir Lionheart! (By the way, are you attending the Hallowe'en party in the "To be continued...." forum?)