I remember the exact moment, when at first I saw it, the people of the world resembling cockroaches. In that moment, whether sun or rain, I can't say I know, but in that moment, I knew I would never see the world as I saw it before. I would never be an "insider" to the group that didn't grieve. I would never know a midnight without a silent tear, and I would never, while I drew breath, have the comfort of being free from heartache.
In that moment, where I sat in the passenger seat of a little Dodge Spirit, my face swollen from days and nights of endless sobbing, my body weak from not eating or drinking, my entire being, numb from aching of shock and pain of which I never knew any one person could endure. Where I sat, my limbs numb and soul crumbled-I witnessed something, a world around me that had not stopped- a world that here still revolved....people were shopping, people were smiling, getting gas and carrying coffee.
I watched in disbelief...disrepair. "How?" I wondered, "How is this possible?" I must have nearly vomited, "How can they not feel this?" I screamed inside my head. In that moment I hated all I saw...I hated the worlds ability to go on without my daughter. I hated and despised them all for being alive when all I loved was dead. I hated them for not crying, I hated them for being free of the agony that now, I wallowed in.
In that moment, of which I never knew a lonelier one, the world around me died. My faith in humanity ceased, I was alone...more so than ever I had been. A wounded creature in a world of wolves.
While I sat in that tiny, hatchback car, I was shocked, dismayed, astounded-that a world existed at all. My whole life had left me-the world couldn't still be full of shoppers and carpooler's. What in the world would they need gas or drinks for? How could anyone be smiling? How can they be laughing or happy?
Stop the cars, the trains, the busses and planes...stop the news and world events...stop the electricity and telephones and mail. Stop the sun and stars from shining. The world held nothing left for me to understand.
This pain in my chest, this pain I wanted nothing more than to rip out and stomp on, was all I would surely ever feel again. This crippling pain, this fire in me, this agony I could do nothing more than succumb to. It would burn and ache and leave me senseless inside myself. Unable to function, unable to breath, until it left me numb all over for intermittent moments, as if my heart itself had reached its threshold and had to slowly reboot itself, only to wake itself to the pain again. This pain? The chill of the Reapers shroud. Those who have met it, can climb no higher mountain.
Over the years, I've often been asked the all inquisitive question, "How did you get through it?", and while I silently have shaken my head, I will say now that no one ever "gets through it."
One can only learn to function through the pain of it, you simply learn to cry alone, you simply learn, to mourn everyday. One can only learn to adjust to the unfair and cruel circumstances laid before them.
With that said, in coming months, while I am gathering my thoughts, going to risk some blow to my pride, and write a book to completion...I write in memory of my First born Daughter...my Sweet Melissa. One I was only briefly lucky and blessed enough to share life with, and without whom, I would surely have never realized what truth of real love is.
I write out of love and admiration of my Son and my youngest Daughter, whom I feel God Himself honored me with. I am humble before Him and grateful for His love and blessings, without which, I surely would not have them. Mind you, it is not religion that I am acknowledging, but God and my faith in Him. It was in my darkest hours, that some ray of hope and love always found me, and in those hours of desperation and uncertainty that I know, through Him, my daughter has never left me.
Life does go on after death, and no person is exempt from it or the destruction it leaves in its wake. However, no matter your belonging to Religious preference, whatever your belief or circumstance, whatever your loss...be it family, friend, or even pet. It is within you, to go on, and remember and honor them. It is within you to live with the pain it leaves behind. It is within you, to see another day..and it is within you, to smile while you remember them.

wow, you made me want to drive to where my kids are and hold each of them.
I have not known the agony of losing a child and pray that I never do.
You must have incredible inner strength.
Kathleen

I weep for you…

Jack

Thank you very much for leaving your replies. I would love to say that I have some inner strength somewhere, but honestly...I've never looked at it that way. I've too many times felt like I'm insane or cracked up. I pray as well that you never lose a child Kathleen...I hope and pray they grow into old age and leave generations behind them. Hug them every chance you get.
Thank you very much, Jack...those four words that you wrote....mean very much...in a world where there are no elaborate funeral processions or flags at half mast for babies that don't survive...those four words mean that someone in the world can read and feel the loss of another's "should have been." Thank you, to both of you.