OK JR, do me a favor and rip this baby apart! I wrote this poem a long time ago and I have never been completely happy with it. I change it every time I go back to it, so any and all suggestions would be greatly appreciated!

Avalanche

It started with a whisper, and I knew not where it came.
A voice so soft and sweet, gently calling out my name.
The words arose in dance, like a moth lured by a flame.
I was spellbound, and I believed.

The noise began to echo taking on a distant sound,
like the rush of flowing water as it spills onto the ground.
Approaching ever closer with no refuge to be found.
I was frightened, I was deceived.

The voice then pounded heavy, like a footfall on a stair.
It beckoned me to follow, although quite unaware
of its suffocating power, like I was breathing liquid air.
I was trapped, and all alone.

The sound grew ever louder as the walls were closing in.
With a sudden crash of thunder, my whole world began to spin
in a never ending spiral towards the dark so deep within.
I was lost, and far from home.

Then all the world was quiet, like the hush of falling snow,
as it lands upon the treetops and its branches down below.
Like the sound a flower makes when its blossoms start to show.
I was safe, and I was free.

Then I heard another whisper this time coming from my heart.
It asked me not to leave, but to return and be a part
of the world that I once cherished, like a precious work of art.
I was listening, to its plea.

It told me, "Life is full of beauty, there are wonders to explore.
You'll never find the truth until you look beyond the door,
that separates the past from what the future has in store."
I was learning, I listened on.

"Do you think God creates an avalanche to destroy all that He made?
It's when that beauty is disturbed, that it all starts to cascade,
destroying everything you've ever known, leaving you betrayed."
I was curious, I was drawn.

The voice was silent once again, I had a choice to make.
Did I want this world of solitude, did I dare to make the break
beyond the barriers surrounding me? Was it a chance that I would take?
I was hopeful, I could survive.

Now I learned so long ago from a lesson old as time;
Everything must have a reason, and every reason have a rhyme.
So if my life gets marred with obstacles, the higher I will climb.
I am thankful, and I'm alive.



Thanks flutter

This post has been edited at member's request.La Juliette,

well, I'm not jr, and I have no "professional qualifications" to "rip this apart", BUT I know what I like...and I like this...I love this! I would say this is probably one of the very best I have read by you! I never cease to be amazed by those of you who can convey such powerful messages and do it in smooth flowing, unstrained rhyme.

Only one error that this "unprofessional" can spot...an extra "was":

"Was it was a chance that I would take?"

Hey i'm also not Jr and not at all a professional... but I'm impudently having a go ...

It started with a whisper, and I knew not where* it came.
*whence?

“The words arose in dance, like a moth lured by a flame.”
-personal preference, ‘dancing’ rather than ‘in dance’. Do words and moths seem parallel (rather than 'a moth' and 'words')? Besides I don’t like two “a”’s in a single clause. Maybe ‘like rapt moths lured by a flame’. Just a general tip... that I learned from Limn in WP... if we substitute "the"'s and "a"'s by adjectives etc., it lends more power.

“never ending”
-dash in b/w?

You'll never find the truth until you look beyond the door,
that separates the past from what the future has in store."
-I think it can do without comma in L1.

Now I learned so long ago
-“Now”, “so long ago” don’t fit perhaps try wording them differently?

This is very well-written! I’d save the other comments for when you post it in the genre forum. Please know that these are just MY thoughts Pam… feel very very free to pick and choose, use or lose!
Good luck with this!

--------
A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
~Dave Barry, Dave Barry turns 50 (Crown)

Hey! No one wants to be jr around here? OK. Anyway, this is a well written poem. I like the acceleration and deceleration of the pacing.
And the title is an apt one. I would suggest some adjustment with the final line of each stanza. You start with the pattern I...I, but then abandon that in the third, pick it up, and then abandon it. My only other observation is that the second line of the last stanza is rather trite, which contrasts with the originality of the rest of the poem.

To the great advice already given I can only add that the use of commas in the first stanza seems to set a tempo, yet they are dropped in the second, picked up in the third, and then split in everything that follows. At one point two questions take the place of the commas and that did seem to work in terms of the rhytym established.
In reading this several times I found the need and ability to continue the cadence, even where there were no commas to suggest I should ~ so maybe my point is without one ~ it was a wonderful read, and that is all it needs to be(?)

I REALLY like this - - it is just a beautiful analogy of an avalanche and the lessons we learn in life.

The one thing I kept wanting to change as I read it though is a "moth TO a flame"...

~Colly

Although I'm not qualified to make any "formal" suggestions as to form or structure, I just want to say that I really enjoyed this.

I could almost FEEL being trapped in the avalanche and having it beckon me to stay.

A wonderful read LJ

Sorry it has taken me so long to get back to this piece. I appreciate all the suggestions offered, and have been re-working it with those suggestions in mind. I should have this done and re-posted soon.

Thank you all again for your help!