Plus if Lionheart shows up as Jack the Ripper tanked full of Clark's Dark beans...oh, man! There'll be reports of seismic activity in Helle, Kansas! Woo-hee!

Isn’t that what happened to the Lion’s undergarments
at the last party, too many Clark’s Dark Beans?

I think I’ll stay South of that hairy Lion and
hear his confession over the phone.

Oh yeah, I forgot about his disintegrating Fruit of The Looms. I'm guessing he has a fairly new replacement pair now, which should withstand the aftershock.
They make them things out of asbestos don't they?

I agree Flutter, it may be hard to compete with 380 tons of explosives but I think I’m up for the task. It should be one Helle of a blast and I seriously doubt Kansas will be on the map in the morning. One thing I can guarantee is the shooting star display should be spectacular...as millions of flaming beans re-enter the atmosphere in wave upon wave of visual delight. Should be a real eye popper!
However, I would strongly recommend a couple of extra hands to help Ron hang onto Colly’s tassels. Remember the Janet Jackson fiasco a few months back...we could learn a few things from that. I might be able to help Ron, but there is a good chance my Fruit of the Looms may take flight. If that happens, I may need to borrow one of your extra thongs La J. Leopard skin is fine...I’m not fussy, as long as my loins are covered in the name of decency, and...don’t worry I promise not to lose them, hahaha! Of course you know I’ll have my personal valet along...messieur Peppy La Phew to keep an eye on everything and make sure all is done in proper protocol...burp!
Jack...don’t you dare think of hearing me over the phone...I do have some dignity you know!

And now I must return to my party preparations.

“ Lionheart
~

quote:

---

One thing I can guarantee is the shooting star display should be spectacular...as millions of flaming beans re-enter the atmosphere

---

Lionheart, you are too much!

You know what they say about habits being hard to break. Mine ain't made out of Kevlar you know.

Newsflash!

I've solved the case of the missing Fruit of The Looms!

Yep, and Lionheart thought they disintegrated.
Well, I gotta let you all in on a little secret. You see, I was doing some last minute surveying of the mud pit and surrounding area, and happened upon the 380 tons of explosives that Ron's planning to let loose on this little brew ha ha. I heard some voices ( two male and one female) so I ducked behind an old cypress tree and carefully covered myself with some of that dangling moss stuff so as not to be detected.
At first, I was thinking that I was hearing the voices of possible saboteurs, but once I heard the female holler out: " Hey, quit smooshing my pretty blue tassles!" I realized it was only Colly, Ron and Keny.

What I wasn't prepared for, was what I saw them three doin'. Well actually only Keny and Ron were doin' the doin', poor Colly had no choice but to be an innocent spectator. Seems as if them boys was cuttin' up strips of fabric and twistin' 'em into tight little rolls and stickin' 'em in the ends of them explosives.

They was makin' fuses all right, but I couldn't figure out what they was usin' to make 'em out of. That's when I heard Ron tell Keny that he sure was glad he stole them pair of shorts off Lionheart's backyard clothesline as they was about the most flammable material known to man.
Apparently the accumulation of gasses absorbed into the tightly woven fabric over the years had made them the nation's most dangerous weapon. I heard Ron say that the U.S Defense Department had been eyin' them drawers for years, and they'd have got 'em too, 'cept those FBI agents, and special task force units were no match for our Ron.

I quietly slipped away and came straight over here to tell y'all, 'cause, Man! if'n this ain't gonna be a real barn burner now!

"Within every dilemma there is a solution that involves explosives."

..

Halloween is celebrated (or inflicted) in different ways by different people. Many will spend the evening in front of the TV watching low brow network programming in the form of sit-com telefodder; only getting up to dispense candy to some unknown children who appear at the front door in various unusual attire and making hollow threats to all who would listen. Almost without exception the occupants of the home/townhouse/condo/trailer/apartment, etc. willingly pass out treats they have purchased to these vagabond urchins. All the while knowing that most likely there are no evil tricks awaiting them were they not to do this…except maybe for an egging of their vehicle by the little wretches.

I, on the other hand, tend to take the mini-sized moochers to task and make them work for their tasty pleasures. A cry of “trick or treat” will indeed get them a bag of cavity causing sweets, but first they have to run a gauntlet of large caliber automatic fire from deep within the darkened recesses of my front veranda. The trick for them is to know if I’m firing live ammo or merely blanks…and there’s only one way to find out.

Now Halloween has always been a great source of entertainment to me, if for no other reason than the fact that it involves mixing copious amounts of alcoholic beverages and things that go “BOOM!”. Now if you also throw into that mix an extremely rowdy party animal like Wordman and a beautiful, sensuous blonde wearing pasties…well, it just doesn’t get any better than that!

In truth, it was a sad moment using the glue dissolve to free my fingers from the pasty worn by the lovely Colly. Still, I’d been holding it in place for 3 days and hadn’t attended to the many other tasks at hand. Indeed, there was much for me to do in preparation for the upcoming night’s festivities. (*Sigh*) A pyromaniac’s work is never done. I noticed that Ken didn’t make use of the glue dissolve just then and soon after had his hands glued firmly to both of Colly’s pasties. He claimed that by staying REAL close he would keep her warm in the cool night air, as she wasn’t wearing anything but the pasties above her waist. (He’s such a considerate guy, huh?)

The first thing I encountered to my displeasure was the presence of 10 FBI and DEA field units. They’d left their cube vans parked out back of Ken’s barn where the still was stashed. They had a warrant to search the barn but our favorite mule, Jack, had locked himself inside and was well into his third jar of firewater. Now Jack is not only excellent at bird calls, he can do a damn good impression of a very displeased Rottweiller too. The Feds weren’t put off by the sounds of swallows and meadowlarks coming from inside the barn but none of them had the jam to face off against a foul tempered Rottie. As such they never did go inside the barn to find the still.

This left it up to me to convince these badge toters to depart for greener (friendlier) pastures. I figgered that it was a good night for walking so I just disposed of all their cube vans. Did you know that you can cram nearly 2 tons of high explosives into a cube van? Neither did I, but I’m gonna remember that from now on! 20 tons of boomables exploding got the show off to an earlier start than I had planned but it did convince the Feds to head back to Wahington for the foreseeable future. (Damn those Gummint agents can run fast when they want to.) Plastikos stopped them at the end of the street and told them where, in the next town, the drugstore was that sold “Depends”. Doc seemed concerned that they had all developed a serious case of incontinence at the same time. From the scent wafting through the night air Nick suspected they suffered from something else too, but with them wearing brown suits and all…he couldn’t be sure.

Since the authorities were now gone and I still had over 360 tons of high explosives at my disposal and had only used 10 strips of the Lion’s “Fruit of the Looms”…er…I mean, FUSES – it was time to get back to preparing the upcoming pyrotechnics display. I systematically wired all the squad cars in Helle together and planted several hundred pounds of Cardite into the trunk of each one. I even toyed with the idea of having all the flashing lights come on at once when I BOOMED the cop cars, but I figgered that everybody would be too busy dodging the flying Chevy shrapnel to appreciate that little extra…so I saved it for the courthouse. (Where they STILL hadn’t given me back the $100,000 bail I’d thrown for Ruby.)

Next I planted a whackload of Plastic Boom inside the showroom of Helle Import Autos. I thought it would be fitting to rid the town of non-American produced cars and do my bit to support the mob…er…I mean, UAW. (There’s a difference, isn’t there?) Just then Colly showed up without Ken, or her pasties. She was wearing a pullover top with “St. Louis Cardinals” plastered all over the front of it. I asked her what happened and she said that ole’ Ken had passed out after she poured 6 jars of squeezin’s down his throat to get his mind (and hands) off of her pasties. Unfortunately when he fell to the ground the glue on his hands pulled off Colly’s pasties and she had been left standing topless in the cool night breeze. The situation was getting rather pointed so she spent the next 10 minutes walking around in the night until she found a clothesline full of tunics. Problem was, they were all “New York Yankees” tunics.

“I’d go topless forever before I’d ever wear such filth!” Colly told me. (Damn! I’m NEVER around when this good stuff happens.)

Finally she found the Cardinals pullover in the back of the Norseman’s pickup. She truly didn’t want to wear it but she was really point…er…cold and she figured that since the Red Sox had kicked the Card’s butts so bad, no one would call her on it. When I told Colly that I’d just prepped the Import Auto dealer for a blow out she became alarmed.

“But Ron! There might be a Ferrari in there!” she cried.

“I doan care, there’s no ‘merican cars in there.” I explained.

“But Ron! There might be a Maserati in there.”

“Jus’ so long as there ain’t any ‘merican cars, Colly.”

“But Ron! There might be a Porsche in there.”

Now this gave me cause for concern but I decided to stick to my guns (explosives).

“Doan matter, there’s no domestic tin involved.”

“But Ron! There might be a TR-6 in there.”

“Holy CRAP! I never thought of that! Thanks for the heads up, Colly.”

I quickly relocated the supply of Insta-Boom from the car lot to the cop shop down the street. (To think I might have harmed a TR-6…Oh the shame of it!)

“I’ll help you with the next one!” Colly offered.

When I saw that it was “The Beauty Shoppe from Helle” next to be blown I understood her willingness to help. Colly had seen Becky’s “Aunt Gladys” come out of the place earlier that day and it was immediately apparent that they were creating deviant mutants inside. The vengeful blonde insisted that we put a double charge of Titex and 2 underwear fuses in the basement. After having seen Becky’s aunt with my own eyes that day I quickly agreed.

This now left me with 50 tons of high explosives stashed in a set of Super-B’s pulled by an old Freightliner cabover. I decided to just set off all 50 tons at once as a big finale to the show…so I parked it right beside the court clerk’s house. (Hang on to my 100 grand, will ya?)

Colly and I went back to the barnyard where the evening’s festivities had now begun. She stopped for a moment to pick up Ken and throw him over her shoulder as she assured me that 6 jars of corn squeezin’s would only keep him down for an hour or so and he’d be back with us shortly. I noticed that he still had the pasties glued to his hands.

When we got back to the barnyard we saw that a roaring bonfire was burning. (Actually the remnants of the previously boomed Fed’s cube vans.) Other participants of the now full-blown “howler” were also throwing large portions of the police chief’s house on the blaze.

You wouldn’t believe what happened next! (I can hardly wait for someone to tell you.)

…


Ron

Oh my...the festivities may be over, but my mind is still a whirlwind of activity!! I woke up this morning with a headache the size of Texas, ears ringing, a nasty rash on my...well, lets just say I have a double rash and wearing a t-shirt that comes down to my knees with tears in all the wrong places!! My hair was tied up in what appears to be an elastic waist-band bearing the words "Fruit-of-the-Loom" and one look in the mirror tells me that I had been sitting just a little too close to Ron when he set the "beauty" shop ka-booming!!

Speaking of "ka-booming"...what the heck was that that sounded like explosions under Galatea's super-sized pom-poms?? She swears that it wasn't coming from her direction, but I did notice that she fell over backwards and rolled down the hill just after I saw red-white-and-blue puffs go careening into the air. Until that last roll of film comes back from the Helle's one-hour photo, I'm keeping my mouth closed about the event, but once I have those negatives in my hands, I'll be more than happy to share some of the other things I saw and heard while in those woods with Ron and Keny!

On another note, I did get to witness one other little thing... I mean ummm...well, not sure what else to say...but let's suffice it to say that I got to see Lionheart's "wild side"...(by the way...that leopard print suited you quite well Not to worry though, I won't tell anyone (ya sure...we'll just let him continue to think that I'm the only one who saw him till the pictures are in circulation!!) But, really Lionheart...it was no big deal!! He keeps thinking it was a HUGE deal, but I keep assuring him he was mistaken!! By the way...thanks for lending a hand with my pasty situation...it was rather boring hanging around just waiting while Keny and Ron were preparing the festivities, however, we did get to talk about...ahhh...whatever came up

So...till those pictures are back, my lips are sealed!!!

~Colly

That Colly! She’s a caution! She and that Lion-fellow thought they had everybody fooled while Ken and Ron were getting ready for the party. It kinda looked like they were fighting but……..well, she’s right about one thing -- wait ‘til Ni…..Plas….you know……gets on his computer and checks out all those digital shots he took. There’s gonna be some really surprised people in these parts! I checked everyone into the party and I KNOW who was wearing those Fruit of the Looms! Don’t worry, Colly……I’ll never tell. We girls have to hang together.

Now. About that explosion Ron didn’t cause. You heard about that wardrobe malfunction at the football game at half-time? Well, as embarrassing as it is, I have to admit that my ‘augmentation(s)’ had an abrupt malfunction as well. The shock of the sound, as well as the back draft from….well, you know…..sent me reeling over the hill, back into a secluded wooded area. I was a little scared at first, not knowing what the side effects might be and being in unfamiliar territory but I soon found that I was not alone. After emergency repairs my…….well, you know, were as good as ever…….and as big! There wasn’t any way the pasties survived that blast, so I had to search for alternative cover. As luck would have it, I found two lovely autumn leaves in a beautiful shade of crimson, and with a little sap from the tree, managed to secure them firmly in place so that I was decently covered. Well almost decently covered -- I mean, they just don’t make leaves THAT big, you know. After some trial and error, I was able to return to the party.

Ken and Ron were now talking about the explosion down at the Beauty Shop that darn near killed my aunt. Ron had a funny gleam in his eye……just one of them……and Ken looked like he was half-way between grinning and nausea -- if I’d have been Ron, I’d have stepped back a little -- just out of spittin’-up distance, you know.

Ron soon turned his attention to Colly and obviously wasn’t euphoric at the amount of attention she was getting from the gentlemen so he strode over and cleared the area real quick-like. Next thing I know, that Lion-fellow in the leopard thong had discovered a lady friend who was also in a leopard thong…..and not much else -- either one of them. All of a sudden-like, he was ripping up every wildflower he could find and giving them to the lady. She was beaming. I decided it was time to look elsewhere.

Speaking of elsewhere, I haven’t seen La J, Andrew, or jr……wonder where they are and what they’re doing? Last I heard, La J and Andrew were argui……..er debating about which was better -- mudslides or sandslips. Wonder who’ll win that argume……uh…debate?

Aha! Jr’s in the mud pit with his bottle of Remy and a bevy of adoring young women all rapt in his textual explication of……well, it was some book - The Kama - something or other. And EC was kept busy adding mud to the pit because the partiers kept stealing it for mud baths in private. I think this place is going to Helle in a Hande Basket…… I keep seeing flashing lights all around……And oh yeah…..it really feels good to be able to stand up and walk again…..

Now, now, now...let's get this straight...I did not attend this soiree in a leopard thong and "little else"! I came in my usual demure attire...a dress with a lace collar secured primly at the high neckline with my grandmother's brooch...my hair properly tied up in a tight little bun at the nape of my neck, covered with a hair net, no less. Twas not my fault that all of a sudden there was this loud explosion and gale force whoosh of a wind that swept my dress clear into the Land of Oz with Dorothy and Toto! Seems it brought a Lion on it's return trip...but he didn't seem at all cowardly...quite courageous, in fact, and more than willing to help a damsel in dis-dress! I never knew Lions had leopard spots, though...hmmmm

I’ll be brief...to tell you the truth I’m not at all sure where in Helle the Fruit of the Looms ended up after the explosion. I was merely walking along the path to get a book from the Library of Helle, and minding my own business no less, while at the same time trying desperately to keep an eye on Colly’s delicate blue tassels and the well endowed Galatea who was sliding from the shoulders of Ken and Ron after the winning touchdown.
Balance seemed an obviously issue as the dear women fell headlong to the ground, ricocheted off a mason jar, and the resulting explosion loosed the Looms from my Loins sending them asunder into the inky darkness. With mouth agape, I witnessed the elegant Galatea roll by and out of sight somewhere near the dressing room followed in haste by the Doc.
I can only assume the briefs went airborne and might explain the headline in the Helle’s Daily Gazette the next morning which read, and I quote: “UFO’s Spotted Looming Over Helle’s Community Outhouse.” Eye witnesses said a large green gas explosion was heard just before the sightings.
Now, if Galatea knows who was wearing them she’s not telling, but I know one thing...whoever had the nerve to wear the briefs would have soon realized their buns were exposed because a couple of strips were missing for the fuses of another bomb that Ron was working on...as La J noted and was quick to report.

As far as I can tell there must have been three bombs detonated that night; one...the Doc’s bomb, cleverly disguised as implants on the unsuspecting Galatea. Two, the 360 tons of explosives under Ron’s care and assisted in part by the credulous Lion who donated the fuses (through no fault of his own)...and three, the Bean eruption and subsequent fireworks display...anyone of which could have been responsible for the loss of the Looms, Colly’s tassels and Flutter’s entire librarian wardrobe...including her broach.
I would suspect of course that the person who had the forethought to bring a couple of extra Leopard skin thongs had a pretty good idea what was going on...or should I say...coming off!

All I can say is it was a good thing to know the Pope was there to take the confession of the guilty person or persons. It would be a shame for anyone to have to spend eternity in Helle for such a dastardly plot.

“ Lionheart
~

Hmmmm.....I'm not sure about this. Lionheart and flutter are coming off....well, a little tooooo innocent, don't you think? And then there's this connection -- she's making herself out to be a librarian type personna and the Lion was on his way to Helle's library. Just kinda sounds a little too convenient to me, if you know what I mean.

And Lady Sister flutter is asking about a Lion in leopard spots? It IS a Hallowe'en party, flutter. Why wouldn't a Lion come disguised as a leopard? Think about it.....and just who was able to lend him the leopard thong? Unless memory fails me, it was you who brought a spare pair..... Now if I could just figure how his Fruit of the Looms ended up as Colly's headband. I gotta stop eating those darned brownies.....I don't seem to remember things clearly when I eat them, you know?

I do thank the Lion for his understanding of my plight......fortunately there are instant repair kits for augmentations that don't go well....and I'm back up to speed....or size....or whatever and my balance is much better thanks to Doc. I can even dance now...at least a slow one....I'm not sure jiggling around too much would be a good idea with these........well, you know.....