I'm still working on Attack but this story came to me last night. I'm still having some problems with capitalization and and punctuation marks. For example, should anniversary and building permit be capitalized? Let me know what you think.

A Fence Too Far



My neighbours elevator wasn’t going all the way to the top floor. Jim was a retired plumber and just didn’t like people. That must happen when you spend a lifetime with your head in someone else’s toilet. We treat each other as well as a clothing salesman is treated in a nudist colony. That day, I was watching him make an attempt to build a fence to separate a fourteen foot right of way that ran down the side of his property. His people skills were lacking but his building skills were equivalent to my sewing skills. Non existent.

Walking out to the side of our property, I said “Morning Jim, watcha doing?”

“I’m baking a cake. What did you think I was doing?”

“I can see you’re building a fence but it can get pretty windy up here pretty fast and I see you haven’t braced the fence yet. It could fall over if the wind started blowing.” He was new to the neighbourhood and I was just trying to give some friendly advice.

“Why don’t you mind your own business. I know what I’m doing.”

It was obvious that someone had peed in his cereal that morning so I left him to his own demise. I put Koda, my dog, into the truck and we drove to our favourite restaurant, Robbie’s Pancake House. I was meeting a couple of friends, who were neighbours, for coffee and I forgot all about Jim along the way.

As I walked into the restaurant, I was overcome by the tantalizing smells. The smell of pancakes, lathered in butter and slopped with syrup, crispy bacon and eggs served with hash browns and toast can just make you feel like you died and went to Heaven. I looked around and spotted my friends in a booth by the window. Bob, a carpenter, was a huge man with a barrel chest and arms the size of tree trunks. I always called him Billy-Bob simply because he looked and acted like a typical redneck. Walt, an accountant was very skinny and his coke bottle glasses made him look like your typical geek. He was so skinny, in fact, it was said that he could come out of a rainstorm and be only half wet. He was however, quite funny in his own way and the three of us got along like strawberries in cream.


Sitting down beside Walt, I asked Billy-Bob what he was up to. He gave me a grin and pointed to a shopping bag on the table. “It’s my fifteenth Anniversary tonight and I just went to Super Drugs to get me a little pick-me-up. Let’s just say something my wife will really appreciate.” With that, he gave me a devilish wink.

Turning to Walt, I pointed to a bag from the same drug store on the table in front of him and asked “you got a little action going tonight too?”

“No. My wife just picked me up a new prescription for my Stomach Ulcer. She said they’re a new kind but better than the old ones.” Sarah, the waitress came over with my coffee and refilled Billy-Bob and Walt’s cups. Unfortunately, another server walked by and accidentally bumped into Sarah, causing the coffee pot to spill coffee on the table. Sarah was an experienced waitress and quickly grabbed the bags off the table so they wouldn’t get wet. She put the coffee pot down and wiped the table dry, setting the bags back down when she was satisfied with her clean up. Billy-Bob got a little coffee on his pants and excused himself to go to the washroom.

When Billy-Bob was gone I asked Walt what he was up to today. “I’ve got to give a talk to a bunch of business students over at Elphinstone School and I hate giving talks to students. It make’s my stomach churn but it comes with the territory.” With that, he put his hand in the bag, took two pills out of their container and popped them in his mouth. “What’s the deal? There’s only two pills in here” he asked to nobody in particular.

When Billy-Bob came back, we continued with our small talk but I noticed Walt starting to squirm in his seat and his eyes began to flutter. He was moving back and forth and from side to side. “Are you okay? You look a little antsy,” I asked out of concern for my friend.

“I’m fine” he replied but then looked down at his lap. Poor Walt didn’t know that the shopping bags had been accidentally switched and he had just swallowed Billy-Bob’s only two Viagra pills. When I whispered to him about the accidental switch, his face turned bright red. The thought of standing up in front of business students was terrifying him. Walt then leaned over and whispered “How long is this going to last?”

“I don’t know but I heard that one is good for a couple of hours. You had two so I’d phone your wife and tell her not to make any plans tonight.” With that, I went over to the coat rack in front of the restaurant and picked out an abandoned trench coat that I had seen there for months. When I returned, Walt’s face shone knowing that the coat was the answer to his predicament. When he stood up however, I had to sequester a laugh because he looked like an old style car jack with its lever pointing up in the air at forty five degrees. Billy-Bob still didn’t know what we were talking about and I wasn’t about to tell him. He was going to be disappointed enough when he got home that night. Walt said that there was no way he was going to give his talk today. Billy-Bob asked him why not and Walt replied “Umm, I just don’t feel like it. Okay?” I suggested that everyone come back to my place and see Jim, the master fence builder. As they both lived in the neighbourhood, it sounded like a good idea to pass some time. They waited in their cars until I got into my truck and was met by a very upset Koda. Obviously I had left him in the truck for too long because he had eaten the headrest on the passengers side.

Arriving home, I was surprised to see a town work crew arguing with Jim. They were telling him that his fence was actually on town property and would have to be moved back ten inches. Jim wasn’t taking the news well and refused to move the fence. In an act of defiance, he grabbed another fence board and nailed it on his illegal fence. When Billy-Bob saw the fence, he burst out laughing and said quite loudly “How in the heck did he ever get a Building Permit to build a fence like that? Don’t breathe too hard folks or she’s coming down.” At the sound of the word, Permit, some colour left Jim’s face. The workers had had enough and called the police so we decided to stick around and watch the fun. Billy-Bob was still laughing about the fence, I was holding Koda back on his leash and Walt retreated to a large boulder on my property. It was getting warm out so he sat down on the boulder, took off the coat and put it in his lap. He was still suffering from Erectus Humongous.

The police cruiser had to park on the right of way, next to the fence because Billy-Bob and Walt had parked in the cul-de-sac, taking the last parking spaces. I was visibly upset when I saw that it was Constable Mike, a police officer that Koda and I had run into on many occasions. All with disastrous results. When he saw me, he pointed at Koda and said “Get that dog away from me. Because of him, my last partner is still out on stress leave.” The anger in his voice told us that he wasn‘t in the mood for any nonsense that day. His new partner got out of the cruiser and Billy-Bob and I perked up right away. Constable Darlene had just transferred in the day before so we had never seen her. Constable Darlene lived up to her name in every way because she didn’t hurt your eyes at all. Five foot six inches tall, slender, shiny red hair pulled back in a pony tail and deep blue eyes. “Constable, you make sure the doors on the car are closed and the windows rolled up. And watch out for that dog” he said, pointing to Koda.

I took Koda up to the top of the property to stay out of Constable Mike’s way, Walt sat on the boulder looking quite content and Billy-Bob was still down at the fence, making rude comments about the workmanship. “Man this fence isn’t even up to code.” Constable Darlene stood just behind Ben, providing backup for her partner. Constable Mike walked up to Billy-Bob, pointed his finger right in his face and told him to leave. Constable Mike went back trying to work this situation out so Billy-Bob came up and stood beside me.

Now Koda loves to play and felt that all dogs were put on earth to play with him. When Jim’s little Fluffy came out of the house, Koda figured it was play time. Seeing Fluffy, he pulled hard enough on the leash that it slipped out of my hand and off he went in pursuit. Fluffy, weighing only ten pounds ran for his life. Around the yard, up on the porch, behind Jim’s car and he finally he ran behind the new fence. Billy-Bob spurred Koda on yelling, “Go get him Koda, he’s behind the fence .” Koda did not need any urging and ran to find his new friend. Five feet from the fence, he jumped up and hit the fence with his seventy pound bulk.

The fence groaned, then started to shake and the outcome was inevitable. Constable Darlene grabbed Walt by the collar, pulling him off the boulder and out of the way. Jim and the town crew ran to the other side of the right of way and Fluffy took off through the garden. Constable Mike just stood there with a blank look on his face as the fence came crashing down, narrowly missing him but pulverizing his car. It now resembled a map of Italy. A little here, a little there and definitely not looking like a police cruiser. When the dust settled, Constable Mike kicked the tire in frustration and the front bumper fell off.

Constable Darlene had a shocked look on her face, turning to the fence and then back down at Walt’s lower extremities. Billy-Bob and I started yelling, “Walt, you big stud you. Is that a gun in your pocket or are you just happy to see Constable Darling?” Walt knew that he had be found out and went with the flow. He pumped out his chest and gave a muscleman’s pose. Constable Darlene ran to Constable Mike, not to see if he was alright but rather, get away from the heathens.

I grabbed Koda’s leash, pulling him back to our house with Billy-Bob and Walt close behind. All the while looking for some place to hide from Constable Mike. I went out into the garden and picked some fresh flowers, gave them to Walt and told him it was time to go and surprise that lovely wife of his. He thankfully took them and left, leaving the trench coat on the boulder. He strutted up the driveway like a rooster on his way to the hen house. Billy-Bob said he had to get going and make preparations for his Anniversary celebrations. I still didn’t have the heart to tell him that the bags were switched in the restaurant and if nothing else, he wouldn’t have any stomach problems that night.

Koda and I retired to the sundeck where we had a view of the carnage next door. Jim looked devastated, the town crew looked satisfied and Constable Mike just stood there with his fists clenched, looking around for Koda. Constable Darlene was coordinating the tow truck pulling the cruiser out of the right of way. I looked at Koda and said “Life’s never dull with you around is it? Now, how about a beer?”



By Steve Brighton

I read this quickly the other day...today is my "day off" (ha!) so when I find a free minute, I will get back to you. Just didn't want you to think this was being ignored. Very funny and entertaining!

~~flutter~~

Neil, extremely funny stuff. I think I'm in love with your dog, lol.
I don't usually critique the posts on here, but no you don't need to capitolize anniversary or building permit. Capitols are used for beginning a sentence, the word, I and for proper nouns. A proper noun is the name of a person, place, or thing.
The start of this sentence sounds a little choppy. "I put Koda, my dog, into the truck" It could be written as "I put my dog Koda into the truck" and have smoother flow.
k, 'nough of this critiquing stuff. I like the style of your writing. Keep 'em coming.


Babs

Another funny tale that made for a good read, but I think the hi-lite was your making mention of Robbie's...they do conjur up fabulous breakfasts there!

Ron, thanks for the private message. If you or Purplebabs, or any other members are coming over here, let me know and I'll instruct the restaurant to give you VIP treatment. On my dime of course.

Neil and Koda



Edit:

NEIL...YE GADS MAN!!! You'd actually let the likes of myself (or that wanted felon, Babs) set foot in your establishment? You truly have lost all semblance of class in my eyes! Having said that; I don't need you to buck up a freebee breakfast for me however I'll never turn down a good coffee that's on the house.

Ron

This post has been edited at member's request.Ron,